Happy Super Bowl Weekend, Everyone.
We have seen 267 games of football played in the NFL this season (if you count the Pro Bowl), and there is one more to go. This Sunday, we will be watching the NFC’s San Francisco 49ers take on the AFC’s Kansas City Chiefs. Two historic franchises looking to reclaim the throne at the top of the mountain after decades of falling short.
Of course, these teams made it to this point by playing a great season, taking care of business in their division, and dominating the playoffs. All necessary things to win the Super Bowl, and they’re both one game away. Currently, the 49ers play in the NFC West division while the Chiefs come out of the AFC West division. The alignment of the NFL divisions is, for the most part, done geographically. Teams are in divisions with teams that are close geographically to them, with the exception of a few here and there to keep the conferences even. This keeps traveling lighter, makes the players happier, yadda yadda.
But you know what’s fun? Realigning the NFL based on the team’s mascots. Why was this a thought one Saturday afternoon? I don’t know. How long did it take to do this? Hours, days even. Do I need hobbies, and more meaning in my life? Probably.
I give you, THE IMAGINARY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. *Monday Night Football trumpets please*
The Wilderness Conference
Ungulate Division: Bills, Broncos, Colts, Rams
For those of you that don’t know, an ungulate is an animal with hooves. Luckily, there is a perfect amount of teams that fit this category.
Feline Division: Bengals, Jaguars, Lions, Panthers
Another perfect division. Four teams, four cats, this is too easy right? Wrong. We got these two out of the way. This is where it starts getting difficult. Decisions and explanations will be needed.
Bird Division: Cardinals, Eagles, Falcons Ravens
I know what you’re thinking: where are the Seahawks? Well, if you want to get technical (I absolutely do), a sea hawk is not a type of bird. It may be a hawk of the sea, but the name of the bird is not a Seahawk. Just trust me on this, they have a way better home in a different division…
Miscellaneous Division: Bears, Chargers, Dolphins, Jets
This is the island of misfit toys. This is the division of teams I could just not find a happy home for, and there just so happened to be four of them. But you know, they matter too. This is a sneaky division, let me tell you…
The Man-Made Conference
Human Division: Cowboys, Patriots, Saints, Texans
These teams are all humans that represent a group of humans doing human things. Of course, there are other teams that are humans that are not in the Human Division… There’s gotta be an explanation for that, right?
Old Things Division: 49ers, Packers, Steelers, Vikings
Now we’re getting creative here. Old things? How do we know this stuff is old? Well, the 49ers represent the 1849 gold rush, right? Packers and Steelers remind me of old fashioned, blue collared working jobs. Old school, right? Vikings… That’s SUPER old. And real.
Story-Time Division: Buccaneers, Giants, Seahawks, Titans
And here is where the Seahawks land. This is because humans created the term. The others, you read their names and you think of a movie. Buccaneers – Pirates of the Caribbean. Giants – I don’t know, Hulk? Hellboy? Beauty and the Beast? Titans – 300. Story time, anyone?
Racist Division: Browns, Chiefs, Raiders, Redskins
This is pretty self explanatory, right? Do I have to dive into this? No? Great. Moving on.
Now I know what you are thinking, what if we used this year’s results to reseed the playoffs based on these conferences and divisions to determine the Imaginary Football League Mega Bowl Champion? I also wonder this:
Wildlife Conference Seeding: 1) Ravens 2) Bills 3) Bears 4) Jaguars 5) Eagles 6) Rams
Ravens and Bills get the bye, so Wild Card round we get to witness Rams vs Bears, and Eagles vs Jaguars.
Wild Card Round: Let’s keep this round logical. Go with the smart picks. The warm and sunny California boys come to the frigid north to take on the Bears in January? I don’t care what the Bears offense is, a cold Khalil Mack is scary, and a cold Jared Geoff is not going to win. Eagles go down to Jacksonville with a healthy Carson Wentz and take care of the confused Jaguars.
Divisional Round: NOW… Let’s have some fun. From the divisional round on, we are taking this literally. Cause FUN. Eagles vs. Ravens. First off, if you are going to attack a bald eagle, that’s a federal offense. Not to mention, a raven doesn’t stand a chance against a prime hunter and warrior like an American Bald Eagle. Eagles move on. Bears vs. Bills. This one is a little trickier. Size advantage goes to the Buffalo. Strength I would hand it to the Bear. I think this comes down to toughness, aggression, and who is willing to get fierce to win. I believe that would go to the bear. Bears win.
Wildlife Championship: Eagles vs. Bears. Yes, it is a federal offense to attack an eagle in the United States of America. However, if the eagle provokes, and you act in a matter of self defense (or perhaps revenge, you know what I’m referencing), you’re in the clear. Bears roll, and are going to the Mega Bowl.
Man-Made Conference Seeding: 1) 49ers 2) Saints 3) Chiefs 4) Seahawks 5) Packers 6) Patriots
49ers and Saints earn the bye, so we will have Patriots vs Chiefs and Packers vs Seahawks.
Wild Card Round: These two games seem even more simple than the Wilderness WC round. The Patriots are not going to Kansas City and winning, and nor are the Packers in Seattle. Is that a fair assessment? Can we move on? Cool.
Divisional Round: Remember, this is supposed to not make sense. That’s why this is fun. Have fun, okay? Seahawks vs. 49ers. This is an interesting matchup, but I just feel like the 49ers wend all the way across the country, into the unknown, because they heard there SHOULD be gold thousands of miles away…. I think they can handle some birds flying over them. Chiefs vs. Saints. Ah, the peacemakers versus the warriors. Remember, this can be compared to a fight to the death. Unfortunately, the men in robes with no weapons probably are going to get rocked. Chiefs don’t care about anything. Plus, they’re mad that people just came in and took their stuff. Consider this a revenge tour.
Man-Made Championship: Chiefs vs. 49ers. Well, this is awkward. The actual Super Bowl in the IFL Conference Championship. The imaginary matchup is really just as tight as the real-life matchup. On one hand, the 49ers are a determined people. They traveled for what they dreamed of and did so with no fear. On the other hand, the Chiefs are warriors. They take what they want when they want it. This is a tough battle, but again it may come down to aggression, and who is willing to do the most to get the job done. And I think it’s the Chiefs. Warriors, man.
Mega Bowl I: Chiefs vs. Bears
Wow, here we are. What a showdown. The Chiefs and Bears. The Warriors of the Midwest taking on the Monsters of the Midway. Patrick Mahomes and Mitch Trubisky storylines galore? Nope. This is the IFL baby. ACTUAL CHIEFS vs ACTUAL BEARS. 11 on 11. I could see this matchup coming down to the wire, honestly. The knowledge a chief has can only be matched by the hunger of a wild bear. And at the end of the day, hungry dogs run faster…
So congratulations, Chicago. Your Bears are finally champions, the inaugural Mega Bowl Champions of the World. Did I do this just to make the Bears champions? Honestly, no. I didn’t even think they would make the imaginary playoffs. Am I glad they did? Well duh.
Happy Super Bow, Everyone.